That's for Thoughts

All or Nothing

2004-12-31T01:48:00.000-05:00

When it rains it pours.
Well, we are off on to our next grand adventure. It just so happens that this next stage will be without internet access for some time. so I'm afraid this site will become even more outdated than it became over the holidays. We will be going from much family, many animals, and the outpouring of my parents generousity in the way of household comforts and provisions. Now we will strike out on our own, alone in a new city and new jobs, one cat and scraping by frugally although independently which is not something we've been able to say recently. Diffucult as it may be for some time, I must say I'm not entirely dismayed by the change. There is something oppressive about being an adult in your parents home for more than a couple of weeks.
At any rate, my mind is full of many things, namely boxes, directions, where and when to shop and what will be on the shopping list. Who can even remember what items are in our posession? It will be our true Christmas in a few days opening boxes we have not laid eyes on since July. If it were not for the kinder winter weather in the south, we would be frozen for lack of warm clothing. Off we go, let us hope it does not truly rain!

Blissful?

2004-12-10T01:36:00.000-05:00

It's not that I don't love the holidays, especially Christmas, I just am realizing the joy of being pretty detached. If you can maintain the balance between detachment and anticipation, the time before Christmas can be great. I have to admit though, a part of me misses the challenge of finding great gifts for everyone. I do NOT miss the shopping. It may sound like an oxymoron, but it's not. I hate the zoo of Christmas, but if I could set it apart, I would love the search for the perfect gift. This year, however, we are not buying hardly anything, but doing homemade presents or none at all. I read about something in the paper called "Skip Christmas", a movement to tone down the holidays to a manageable pitch, but most importantly to remember what is really important. You hear that phrase a lot this time of year ("remembering what Christmas is all about, etc.") that it's almost become part of the background noise itself. If it werent' for the the attention-grabbing "Skip Christmas" phrase, I don't think I or anyone else would pay much notice. Anyway, I feel like the skip-christmas mindset is not a choice for me this year, but has already been determined for me. Since we are not at our own home and have been in limbo for so long, not only does it not feel like Christmas, but we are two states farther south and it doesn't FEEL like Christmas. I wonder if I will get used to that. Traveling here for the holidays was one thing and the warm weather didn't feel weird because we were visiting, but being here already makes me feel like . . . depressed. And even more so because I don't know what would make me feel better. I do look forward to Christmas day, but everything else feels so distant. I both miss it and don't at the same time. I know it will sneak up on me, but I miss the little excitements. Maybe it's because nothing feels like it's mine, or ours. Well, Cheers and yes, even a little ignorance can be bliss...

Wayward Star

2004-12-05T23:19:00.000-05:00

It's no secret.
We all get distracted
Unfocused, lost, misguided.
The movement which we thought we were propelling
Begins to propel us.
And soon, it feels like we are shadows,
Shells, robots.
Winding ourselves down into a crusty old hole,
Getting stuck there,
Eating dust.
Full of life, dreams, memories of the
Yet to Be
That we felt defined us,
But still managed to weigh us down.
A star
Churning wistfully, throws off the weights,
Spinning somehow back into orbit,
Favoring the shadows, shying away from light.
Starspinner, My Love, help me remember
What this is for.
My time, my true self, my direction,
Your glory, your favor, your embrace
Of Love:
Starspinner, Creator of all Wayward Stars.

Main Thoughts for Today

2004-12-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

It can't possibly be December
I can't believe we'll be living in North Carolina for Christmas
It's time to say goodbye to one of the three kittens we've come to love
Time to find an apartment and move there! (When?)
You can have too much of a good thing
Where is my motivation when I need it?
There aren't too many things more frustrating than a book that ought to be good, but thoroughly sucks in spite of the author's desperate attempts at being authorly
It will be de-lightful to live on our own again
What should we do about Christmas cards this year?
I can't stand hearing Christmas songs on the radio
I can't stand even more getting Christmas songs stuck in my head

Orchid Prophets

2004-11-26T11:32:00.000-05:00

My orchids are getting ready to bloom for the first time since I bought them 4 years ago. Surely, this is not without meaning. (or maybe it's just because I fertilized them for the first time this summer). Anyway, I feel sure it's significant since this is a transitional time for us and perhaps their blooming will mark the beginning of another chapter for us. (When they were purchased, it was at the start of the "Living semi-together in a city away from home with new jobs" chapter).

It wouldn't be the first time plants have behaved poigniantly. My grandmother gave me a blooming parrot begonia for a wedding present two years ago from the parent plant she has had for many years. She said the last time it (the parent plant) bloomed, was for my parents' wedding 25 years ago and they also received the blooming offspring.

It is more than inspiring to see God work even in plant-ownership to communicate his glory. When things like this happen, small miracles, almost-insignificant happenings, something just a step more beyond coincidence, that I fail to see how people can deny His handiwork and his loving attention towards all of creation, and therefore fail to be awed by knowing one more aspect of Him, that is to worship Him.

Look around!

Uh Oh

2004-11-24T23:59:00.000-05:00

I may have gotton myself into trouble here. I can't resist playing with colors. What now?

The Fear of the Lord (an article)

2004-11-24T01:56:00.000-05:00

The Fear of the Lord
by Aaron Sands, Relevant Magazine

I have reached the end of another segment of life. There are no flags waving in the wind or parties to attend; no, this is beyond the tangible and visual. Once again I have sought peace and happiness on my own terms and come up wanting. I know I am not alone in this place, but that does not remove the disappointment or shame. My heart says, Didn't you learn the first time, the second time, or the one hundredth time? How long will it take?

Seasons in life can be exhilarating or frustrating, miserable or hopeful. They can pass quickly or seem to never end. In the past few months, my family has moved into our first house, complete with a long list of projects on the to-do list. Our joy has been difficult to contain, and our pace breathtaking. Our minds have been working overtime while driving from store to store and brainstorming so many ideas. There has been little idle time, even with an infant in our midst. A house that was perfect for someone else has been transformed into a house that is perfect for us. We had been diligent for several years as we saved money and energy for this time, slowly but surely stocking up for our first house purchase while keeping to our initial plan and terms throughout the process. We had stuck to our guns, not given in to the voices in and around us, and it was finally paying off.

Despite our enthusiasm, I'm saddened by how quickly I have forgotten my trip to Africa only two months ago. I was immersed in a culture that brought me to my knees and ripped apart my view of the world. For over a year, God had been building a stronger foundation of social justice and other-centeredness, within my soul, with personal experience the major remaining stone to be laid. Now I had personally heard stories of glory and tragedy; I had laughed and wept with strangers. I had looked into the eyes of a man who will probably die from AIDS in the next year or two, grasping for words of hope to share with him. The idea of love had exploded in my mind, leaving behind many prejudices and falsehoods I had knowingly and unknowingly held within.

There is nothing inherently wrong with buying a house, or transforming it to be a reflection of the family within. But along the way I have slipped into the ease of self-centeredness, building up possessions and having things my way, even after meeting people content with so little. I am left looking for the answer to, "Well, what now?" While in Africa, the mountaintop provided a spectacular view and great encouragement to the soul, but I didn't even know that I had started my descent until I was almost to the bottom. Surely I should still be filled to overflowing with the joy of the Gospel. How do I get back to the top of the mountain … and how can I stay there so that I don't have to go through this again?

We search every nook and cranny accessible to man for wisdom. We often look in the same place twice, making sure we haven't missed anything. Sometimes the dead end is visible, provoking an easy change of plans. Other times there is no evidence until we have already invested tremendous time and energy in the pursuit. A house is important to my well-being and a symbol of my family. We can be a grace to others through hospitality, as well as provide an environment for our son to grow and learn. A visit to Africa has countless avenues of blessing and worldview formation. Words often come up short in describing the feelings and emotions, but an experience in Africa has its way of making you feel like bursting at the seams wherever you go.

Some words from the account of Job shed light on the mountaintop/valley struggle while pursuing wisdom. "Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to turn away from evil is understanding." These words follow a humbling description of man's struggle to search high and low, near and far, for the meaning of life … for true wisdom. Every human is indicted, with nothing spared before the judge and jury.

What does it look like to fear the Lord? Every minute of every day, we hear messages contrary to the truths of the Gospel, and all of those messages fall short. If we are not reminding ourselves of the glorious Gospel, we are serving other idols and giving in to the flesh. Job had been stripped of everything and still had the confidence and faith to utter these words. He had the counsel of men of great "wisdom," yet while they were searching and digging for token nuggets of advice, Job was onto an entirely different idea. But maybe we're getting somewhere … the fear of the Lord is something we don't search for. Our tendency is to look for anything that will bring us tangible evidence of faith, while a core essence of faith rests on the fact that it is still intangible and moves outside of our ideas of space and time. We see the effects of faith, the actions brought about from faith, but faith itself is beyond our comprehension.

The fear of the Lord is a recognition that there is more to life and God's creation than any one thing. It sees the folly of the world, but does not throw up arms in indignation and pessimism. Instead, this fear drives man to value and love the world in light of the kingdom yet to come. Instead of a focus on building possessions, it values relationships and selflessness. The fear of the Lord produces the realization that man will never be God, and that this design is perfect and intentional. The fear of the Lord is a call to worship, bringing all that I have and my very being before God the Father and Creator and saying once again, "Here I am, for Your glory and kingdom work, here and in the life to come."
Aaron Sands lives in Nashville, Tenn., with his family. He plays bass with Jars of Clay, touring extensively as well as recording in the studio. He also works with the Blood:Water Mission, an organization founded by the band in 2003 in response to the HIV/AIDS pandemic ravaging Africa.

- - - -

Although elusive and difficult to define, fear of God is integral to a higher relationship with him. It is a place where we are continually, earnestly, worshipfully seeking Him and, I believe, where He is recognizing our heart's true efforts. In fact, I think "fear" in the Biblical sense is nearly the opposite of its meaning in a worldly sense. Striving ever for more to live beyond ourselves in Christ and allowing nothing to hinder that journey and that faith. When the other type of fear creeps in, it is only going to inhibit that from happening by turning our focus utterly away from the goal and back onto ourselves. How is it that these two words are at once so related and unrelated? I will have to do some research on the word origins. Meanwhile, pondering on the deeper and true meanings of the word always occupies me for some time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the fear of the Lord (either in response to the article or in your own life).

time moves faster than i can

2004-11-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

It's something of a great mystery to realize the multitude of things people can accomplish when they set out to do it. Although I know some, I read and hear about others: they do it all! Children, pets, cooking, hobbies, volunteer, pleasure. I am not even currently employed and I feel like I can't quite keep up. I suppose everyone hits these phases. It's not that I fear aging, but I must admit, I fear not accomplishing things I have always wanted to do. And for those of you who think it's the same thing... well. I refuse to concede that it is.

The kitties are doing well. (They are asleep on the floor right now). Still our lives will revolve around them until they are a bit older. I don't seem as concerned with eating and doing chores, even going outside for some necessary exercise, they are such a joy to be around and seem so much more important than everything else. My husband and I decided we might be candidates for pet foster parents a little later on. An interesting idea...! I volunteered at an animal shelter several months ago and I think I could handle fostering far easier than facing the depressing sights of the actual shelter on a regular basis. I wasn't a very good dog-walker anyway. But God bless the people who do work and volunteer there.

Burping Kittens

2004-11-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

How could I have expected to find myself so consumed with sustaining the lives of three helpless 2 week old babies? Baby cats, that is. My parents keep saying "this will give second thoughts about having kids, ha ha ha!" I just think it's funny that they assume I wanted them in the first place. I suppose I do, but. .. .. I haven't been able to visualize it yet. Anyway, my point is more along the mundaneness, the pure simplicity of life. Simple but fragile. Life is made up of all those little simple things - breathing, movement, sense of smell, touch, sight, taste. The most insignificant things (to us) can mean life or death for a 6 ounce creature.

We've asked ourselves countless times with no answer but pure bafflement and horror how could someone ANYONE leave three tiny things on the side of the road in mid November. We found them on our return from a long walk on the road three evenings ago. Actually, we thought we were looking for an injured bird, the call was so shrill and uncommonly loud and definitely one of alarm. My husband found the source - the smallest kitten we've ever seen in real life crying for its life, partially setting in the leaves on the edge of a very small clearing very close to the side of the road. Nothing more than grey fluff and a banshee set of lungs. We began looking for others and found two more, one so still we feared it might be badly injured or near death from the cold, the other slightly more active. HOW could someone?

Yes, I knew new mothers [and fathers? ;-)] are on constant duty, feeding, cleaning and fretting around the clock (or at least every 2-4 hours). I do feel like a new mother and I suppose that's what I am. How could anyone do anything less? Losing sleep, disruption of schedule, neglecting other tasks, and even the monetary expense - such a small price to pay for being a part of the life process.

Kittens for Christmas gifts, anyone?

2004-11-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

November 13

It’s not a question of being ready
The earth will turn anyway
It’s not a question of expertise and understanding
The frost will cover all inadequacies
It’s not a matter of authority
I will never have control – the light slants across golden leaves, flashing in a demonstration of my inferiority

I’ve bowed my head
I’ve laid aside my fumbling tools
I set out along the freshly worn path
My feet do not pause, but my ears take note between footsteps
Of the wooded life nearby
Both vast and minute lives side by side,
The righteous oak, the glittering ant

It is small, but this freshly worn path is one commodity
I do not take for granted
I may not be ready for more
But the leaves are almost all on the ground
And the chill shadows seem to push me
The multitudinous branches finally permitted to show off, rejoicing, urging
The earth is turning, and the light slants across my face, flashing

The World is Too Much With Us

2004-11-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The Winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not—Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn
Have sight of Proteus coming from the sea,
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.
-William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

Apparently, this is a not a new sentiment. When will the sky REALLY fall on our heads? When will the last scrap of human kindness fade slowly away into oblivion? Are things really getting worse, or is it just our tendency to think so? Is it just that balances are disrupted, and so where our focus is, things do seem worse, but somewhere else entirely things are improving? I have to say, I am like Wordsworth. I believe the world is too far along for itself. It overwhelms, it overreaches and it seems to struggle beneath the burdens it has (we have) created. The magnitude of EVERYTHING is so supremely beyond our human abilities to comprehend, we are left with a vague notion that nothing matters anyway. Could selfishness, greed and pride be a result of so many years of this compounding? Could these three huge problems be the byproduct? No, these three things have always been there. Are they worsening?

James 5:3 (NASB)
Your gold and your silver have rusted; and their rust will be a witness against you and will consume your flesh like fire. It is in the last days that you have stored up your treasure!

I am not sure exactly how this verse relates, but it really seemed to stand out to me. Maybe it will come to me later... or maybe it will come to you, let me know...

Some Links

2004-11-10T18:58:00.000-05:00

I will add more as I remember/find them!

2004-11-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

chain sun cat straw
cold wide deep disgust
vulture gold decay warm
filth hole rot wicked spew
flood future cave forever
disease plague water wine
mold fire sky rock alarm dust
leaf wind shadow turn time
cast coin rope tool work alone
middle lost ghost friend hide
scatter pillow corner close
hand word walk voice
harvest lies distant foreign
rebel cheat table knife
boil iron sound distance
bury core fantasy drive trash
instant shoreline follow bitter
mine total cryptic ash tall
flat grave clock light sit
mortar book spiral rage
visible back feed shun mountain
money shallow shoebox bank
seed tight walk never winter
low burrow faint waste target
pail weeds rust leather finish
away battery patch unrest force

Following is not as easy as one might think....

2004-11-05T23:34:00.000-05:00

"Lead on, O King eternal: We follow, not with fears;
For gladness breaks like morning Where’er Thy face appears;
Thy cross is lifted o’er us; We journey in its light:
The crown awaits the conquest; Lead on, O God of might."

i don't know the name of this old hymn, but i found it ironic under the circumstances.
how can God sometimes seem to answer our prayers with the precise opposite of what we we truly desire? how can "what's best" for us (obviously from God's POV) be so directly ANTI what we want?

Hopefully by the time i write again, I will have some answers............

my foe

2004-10-26T15:11:00.000-05:00

reality is an injurous foe
with spikey thorns
to gouge out the flesh of and poison with the point of wickedness

reality won't show its face
in kindness, love or gentleness
but in revenge, survival and pride

reality exposes and reality exposed
peeling back motives, make up and manners
to become raw animal and dangerous demon

reality relents
replacing war with weariness
and cozening memories with time

What is Real?

2004-10-25T14:34:00.000-05:00

Not an answer as easily answered as we might think. Just start thinking about it and you wonder if your thoughts are even real. What is the definition of REAL?

Small things usually alert me to the un-real encroaching on us. Granted, the un-real has always been here, but I don't think it's my imagination that so much has grown into a larger-than-life super-reality that simply cannot truly be REAL. We are minature gods turning ourselves
(physically and internally), our surroundings, our feelings, our relationships and our productivity into a fantasy we fancy is our desire. (Can something as impermanent as most desires even be REAL? or does being a desire nullify that point?)

At any rate, back to my original point about small things setting off small 'fake' alarms inside me. I believe the trend of message T-shirts - I'm not sure what they are called -is one of these. The wearer of the shirt can send a message about anything they want (The possibilities are endless from mundane and silly to sleazy and vulgar) without accountablity. Althought this clothing is probably a passing trend, the desire to become something we are not isn't.

This is also something I call the "Diversion Syndrome." If it's new, different, trendy, entertaining, we want to be a part of it. Why?

Are our lives so BORING and MEANINGLESS ?
Ah, but now I enter into much larger issues....
Coming back to the topic: what are we really seeking? Could it be REALITY?

Today

2004-10-23T20:19:00.000-05:00

I recently heard an artist say he interprets the world around him. All artist usuallys say something of this sort, but in spite of this, I felt like my surroundings had to be a certain way in order for me to interpret them. For example - I needed mountains, I needed sun, I needed rain, I needed sufficient space, I needed sufficient materials, I needed a specific noise level.

I am ready to embark on a new way of looking at things in that I will truly interpret things as they are instead of creating (or waiting for) a world I want in order to then represent it.